Well if you’re actually still reading this blog, you know that I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve used my New Life Kids ministry work as an excuse. Although I have been very busy, the real truth is that I just don’t want to. I don’t want to because the way I’ve been feeling lately will inevitably come out as I am not one who has a very reliable “filter.” And I believe in being real and appreciate it in others.

I’m writing through tears and I promise not to edit. We need people to be real in our lives. I need that. I need to know that I’m not alone in my thoughts and feelings. So here goes:

I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m scared.

I’m frustrated because I cannot do all the things I want to do. I’m angry because I’m in pain all the time. And I’m scared because I’ve developed a heart condition in the recent months. But the most difficult reality in all of this is that my disease is genetically inherited. One, two or all three of my boys have a fifty percent chance of being affected.

I know I have a choice. I can allow these feelings to consume me or I can lay them out in front of a God who loves me enough to take on skin, go to a cross and bleed out for all the rotten things I’ve done.

I choose Him. Jesus.

So as I lay on my tear-soaked pillow, I continue to open His Word and let it wash over me, run through my veins and fill all my aching spaces with enduring truth.

I read the Psalms because David, who wrote over half of the 150 Psalms, let us ALL the way into his head and heart. He was completely unmasked, honest and genuine. And David chose, again and again, to take His troubles and lay them down before his God. Today I’m camping out on Psalm 86, a prayer of David. I’m going to go ahead and borrow his words, as I am so dreadfully less articulate.

I won’t look ahead and spiral down into anxiety. I only have to get through today. As this prayer is on my lips, my heart is assured that amidst waves of fear and pain, Jesus is here. And He is enough. Grace be with you, my friends.