Well if you’re actually still reading this blog, you know that I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve used my New Life Kids ministry work as an excuse. Although I have been very busy, the real truth is that I just don’t want to. I don’t want to because the way I’ve been feeling lately will inevitably come out as I am not one who has a very reliable “filter.” And I believe in being real and appreciate it in others.
I’m writing through tears and I promise not to edit. We need people to be real in our lives. I need that. I need to know that I’m not alone in my thoughts and feelings. So here goes:
I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m scared.
I’m frustrated because I cannot do all the things I want to do. I’m angry because I’m in pain all the time. And I’m scared because I’ve developed a heart condition in the recent months. But the most difficult reality in all of this is that my disease is genetically inherited. One, two or all three of my boys have a fifty percent chance of being affected.
I know I have a choice. I can allow these feelings to consume me or I can lay them out in front of a God who loves me enough to take on skin, go to a cross and bleed out for all the rotten things I’ve done.
I choose Him. Jesus.
So as I lay on my tear-soaked pillow, I continue to open His Word and let it wash over me, run through my veins and fill all my aching spaces with enduring truth.
I read the Psalms because David, who wrote over half of the 150 Psalms, let us ALL the way into his head and heart. He was completely unmasked, honest and genuine. And David chose, again and again, to take His troubles and lay them down before his God. Today I’m camping out on Psalm 86, a prayer of David. I’m going to go ahead and borrow his words, as I am so dreadfully less articulate.
I won’t look ahead and spiral down into anxiety. I only have to get through today. As this prayer is on my lips, my heart is assured that amidst waves of fear and pain, Jesus is here. And He is enough. Grace be with you, my friends.
Hear me, Lord, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
2 Guard my life, for I am faithful to you;
save your servant who trusts in you.
You are my God; 3 have mercy on me, Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
4 Bring joy to your servant, Lord,
for I put my trust in you.
5 You, Lord, are forgiving and good,
abounding in love to all who call to you.
6 Hear my prayer, Lord;
listen to my cry for mercy.
7 When I am in distress, I call to you,
because you answer me.
8 Among the gods there is none like you, Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.
9 All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.
10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.
11 Teach me your way, Lord,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
12 I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths,
from the realm of the dead.
14 Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God;
ruthless people are trying to kill me—
they have no regard for you.
15 But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
16 Turn to me and have mercy on me;
show your strength in behalf of your servant;
save me, because I serve you
just as my mother did.
17 Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, Lord, have helped me and comforted me.