The wall. The ceiling fan. The quilt.

Pick something to focus on.

The quilt. My mom made this entire thing, square by square. Like building blocks. Do you “build” a quilt? What is proper quilting lingo? I don’t know. I can’t even sew a button.

Pain travels from my chest down the left arm and back again. Surgical procedures will always be worse for you, my doctor said. I guess neuromuscular disease will do that to you.

Twelve hours ago, I had a hollow needle inserted into my left breast and tissue extracted. Then they X-rayed the sample and came back to take out more.

This was after two mammograms and an ultrasound. The doctor said if it is cancer, they caught it very early.

Bet they never had anyone laugh at this statement before. I didn’t mean to be rude or anything. But somehow he got it wrong. My son has cancer. And I already have a disease for crying out loud. I don’t have cancer!

But maybe I do.

The wall. The ceiling fan. The quilt.

The bottle of sedatives on my night stand. My doctor says I’m dealing with way too much. He’s concerned. Take the pills.

Maybe I will. Just so I can sleep.

I like quilts. I like this quilt. My favorite square is made from a dress I wore as a little girl. A skinny book nerd with glasses and untamable hair. But I wasn’t diseased then. I wasn’t fatigued all the time. I didn’t have to fight against the long hours because back then I mostly enjoyed them.

And now this.

But maybe it’s nothing. It’s probably nothing. I can already name two people who have had this done with good results. I can also name a few who went down the other path.

My husband. My three boys. The leukemia diagnosis. The homeschooling Justin. The dog, which was purely an act of love because I still don’t like him very much.

They all need me to be up and well, not maniacally counting quilt squares or popping pain pills.

So tomorrow I will get up, push through pain and act like there isn’t a freight train running through my head.

It will be okay. I will get negative results next week because they simply have to be negative. There’s just too much to do.

I did not plan to reveal this, but, tonight, I feel that God is pressing on my heart. Someone out there needs to hear it.

Unbelievably, my faith is still strong. This is not me. This is God in me.

Please understand that my boys cannot know about this. Therefore, no children they come in contact with need know either. At least for now. Thank you for prayers, but I won’t be talking anymore about this until we have facts. I will update on Justin soon. Until then, grace be with you, my friends. 

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”