This is a story I don’t want to tell. I wish someone else would tell this story so I would know I’m not the only one.

This morning I drove Justin to physical therapy. He SEEMED okay, so I proceeded to take him to his class.

We got as far as the classroom door before absolute chaos ensued. He turned around, said he felt sick, ran away and locked me out of the car.

Some hushed threats in the parking lot. Door opens. We talk. He refuses to get out.

Nicky’s class walks by. He sees us and runs over because I’m very noticeably parked in the fire lane for what was supposed to be a quick drop off.

Hi mom! I fake a smile and give him a kiss. I don’t think he understood enough about what was happening to be embarrassed about it. That’s a plus.

I pull into a parking spot and wait until Justin calms down. I tell him if he doesn’t go in, we will go home and he will have to take a nap. Because that’s what you do when you’re sick.

He says okay.

I think he must be really feeling lousy because I point out that it’s just about time for recess. But he still wants to take a nap rather than play with his friends.

I guess therapy and a class are too much for him in one day. I must be pushing him too hard. 

We go home. There’s no handbook for this.

He wants to play mine craft when we get home. Now I am wondering if I just got played.

I say no. You were too tired for class so you need to take a nap. This is a strategy now.

He fights me. He throws things. Now the time in his room is a consequence.

Twenty minutes of crying and me sitting on the floor outside his room then he is asleep.

I am still sitting on the floor.

How to distinguish legitimate chemo-induced sickness from defiant behavior? Legitimate physical problem vs. “I don’t feel like doing that.” Steroid-induced mood swing or normal kid-type misbehavior?

Here’s the thing. Nobody knows for sure how to answer this question. Not the social worker. Not the child psychologist. All they ever say is to be consistent. Yeah, consistently in the dark, I say.

So am I going to force my kid on high doses of chemo to go to school when he claims he doesn’t feel good? 

No. I’m not.

One. Day. At. A. Time.