First of all, thank you for the many blog comments and texts. I wish I could respond to each one. I am so blessed with loving, faithful, eloquent friends. Please know that I am reading each one, and that you are instruments of God in sustaining me and keeping me sane.
Justin is currently in an OR receiving chemo directly into his spinal fluid. We spent the better part of three hours this morning listening to him cry and scream because he was so hungry. He was was not able to eat or drink because of the anesthesia. He kept pleading for a bagel with cream cheese. We had to say no. He then pleaded for a hoagie with cheese and lettuce. We had to say no.
It hurt me. It just hurt all over.
They gave him medication to calm him and help him to sleep before taking him into the OR. Justin fought it tooth and nail. I said I would not leave him until he was asleep. They agreed.
I put on scrubs and a hair net and walked alongside his bed as they wheeled him through the halls and into the OR. Justin kept saying, “don’t leave.” I stayed at his side singing “Jesus Loves Me” while they administered the anesthesia. I caught his head as he fell backward, finally asleep, and laid him gently on the pillow. I kissed his soft, precious cheek that still feels like a baby’s skin. Only then did I leave.
We are in the waiting room. I’m stress eating pop tarts and guzzling coffee. We are armed with a bagel. I’m planning to let him eat it as soon as he wakes up. Yes, I did ask the nurse and she said liquids might be better, but it really depends on how he is doing. I’m going to fight like Justin to get the bagel approved. With cream cheese.
I am talking to Jesus continually and I believe His spirit whispered words into my heart. God has ordained this trial for myself and my family. But He has also ordained it for Justin. There is something going on that is way bigger than my sorrow or Justin’s discomfort.
There is something bigger that we cannot see or know. But it is happening. And it is extremely important or God would not allow his children to suffer for it. I must believe this. I will believe this.
At the same time, Justin is being molded into a formidable warrior. His life has a purpose, an extremely important purpose, whether great or small. And I am so blessed to be his mom.
“18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. 22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:18-28
“For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come
and will not delay.” Habakkuk 2:3
“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” 1 Peter 5:10