Justin asleep on my lap today. You can see the scar on his chest from where the central line was placed. It is a bittersweet reminder of the extreme stress we endured while staying in the hospital combined with the memory of God’s constant presence and, incredibly, sustaining joy.
Justin’s treatment is a three year journey. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that yet. In that context, day 84 doesn’t feel like we’ve made much progress. But we continue to take one day at a time, one cycle of chemo at a time. And I try to focus on how far we’ve come instead of the long road ahead.
Justin is still struggling with anxiety. I am trying to move him toward attending school for even just a short time by himself. But the mere mention of it sends him into a tearful panic.
Yet we will continue to work toward autonomy and celebrate the small victories. And step forward in grace. Although I do grow weary of the tantrums, clinging and my helplessness to absorb his pain, both physical and emotional, I am very grateful that I am able to be with him each day.
I am the one who wipes his tears, holds him during chemo and gets to see him take his first gym class in months. And when I consider that this is exactly where God, in His sovereignty has placed me, the more mundane daily stuff takes on more purpose and meaning.
3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Please continue to pray for healing in Justin’s little heart and mind as well as wisdom to parent during this difficult time. And grace to hang on until the days become “a time to heal.”
Grace be with you, my friends.