Day 1053

Tomorrow I will hold Justin’s hands and play his favorite song and rub his back while they place an IV and inject chemotherapy drugs into his little veins for the last time (barring relapse).

The drug he will be given causes heart inflammation, so he will, subsequently, take another round of steroids for the last time.

Justin’s body is tired, out of shape and swollen with extra weight due to the effects of steroids and chemo-mouth-induced salt cravings.

He does not remember what a “normal” life is like, and, now, he is expected to live one.

But, we will take it one step at a time, and we will get there. Justin is a survivor. The rest can be slowly fixed. He is here. He is a survivor.

I have never been so grateful.

I have not been a perfect cancer mom. I have made mistakes and I have failed. I am tired, burnt out, down twenty pounds  and still vomiting a good amount of my daily food intake. But I am still getting up. I am still doing the best I can. And I think maybe that’s enough. Maybe it’s enough that I am still standing by his side.

God gave us a 9 lb. 13 oz. baby Justin on August 26, 2010. He was strong, funny, smart and loved to play with his Little Tykes t-ball set.

And then he left us for a while. He was here, physically, but too traumatized by pain and strung out on toxic drugs to be recognized.

Now God is giving him back to us. Scarred and changed, but the light has returned to his blue eyes and he is able to be funny again. Really funny, actually. He makes me laugh every day. And he knows things that other kids don’t know. He understands things about people and life and God that are well beyond his years.

May we never, ever get over this miracle. To God alone be all the glory and praise.

Stick around for pictures of Justin’s last chemo coming soon!

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