Clinic was very difficult for me today. For the most part, Justin sailed through. I stumbled.
I glanced down and happened to notice the chemotherapy medication flowing through the tube and into the central line placed in his chest. The area around his access port is scarred and bruised and his skin is raw from continuous adhesive removal.
The sight made me angry and sad. No matter how much I reminded myself that the medication is killing cancer cells and some scars and bruises are really a small price to pay in return for his life, my head still spun and I felt like I was going to throw up.
I felt hot tears burning my eyes. I turned my face from Justin and let them fall.
I don’t want to come across like I’m trying to give the impression that I’m always strong. Sometimes I am scared and weak and angry. Sometimes I snap on people I love, and sometimes I cry like a baby.
But one thing I always do. I turn to Truth and I let myself say, “I can’t.” And in that moment of helpless turning, there is incredible strength and renewed hope found in the arms of Jesus.
I would be lying if I didn’t say huge ketchup-drenched burgers along with some really great laughs also helped. May truth and grace abound in your “I’m losing it” moments, my friends.
2 thoughts on “Day 87”
As we usually do as parents, we desperately crave the prayers of others for our kids and forget that we need them too as we witness the suffering of our own babies. Now matter how old they get they will always be just that, and when they suffer we do as well. We lift our eyes to the Lord where our help comes from pleading for strength and healing. I’m praying for you!
God bless you Katie. May He continue to carry you through this very difficult time. One thing that I am sure of is that you and Jesus are an unbeatable combination. He uses every aspect of your character and personality to shine for Him. People need to see our weaknesses. Remember Christ’s strength shows up best in our weakness. I love you Katie. Prayers for you always.