Day 271. After a nice break, Justin was back in clinic yesterday for IV chemotherapy and a physical therapy evaluation. Although GREAT strides have been made in Justins’s overall improved strength since the leukemia diagnosis and subsequent bone damage to his feet (initially Justin lost his ability to walk for 3-4 weeks), Justin will soon start eight weeks of P.T. to address some lingering concerns involving left leg weakness, improper balance and foot pain. Yesterday also marked the beginning of another cycle of many at-home oral chemotherapy medications.

So. Now that I’ve given an update on Justin, I’ll tell you what’s going on in my mind. Scary. I know.

I think my train of thought is being directed by two things. Sorrow over the loss of Dan and Drew. And studying the following Scripture with Nicky for his Bible test:

Remember the former things of old: for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me, Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure: (Isaiah 46:9-10)

When memorizing, you sort of just keep repeating it over and over, right? So here’s Nicky saying over and over, “…for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me…my counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure.” And I’m thinking it’s no accident that this is his assigned verse this week because, although I don’t say them out loud, these are the questions nagging at me:

Why does God sometimes bring partial physical healing? Why does He sometimes bring complete physical healing? Why does he sometimes bring no physical healing at all?

I don’t think we would ever ascribe our concept of “fair” to any circumstances involving cancer. But, at the same time, who are we to say it is “unfair”?

So what if we stopped thinking in terms of our human concept of “fairness”? I don’t have much toleration for my boys saying, “it’s not fair!” Because who are we to decide what is fair and what is not? And to take it a step further, who are we to define what is “fair” then expect the God of the Universe to adhere to our common perceptions?

The passage that Nicky is studying goes on to say:

Calling a ravenous bird from the east, the man that executeth my counsel from a far country: yea, I have spoken it, I will also bring it to pass; I have purposed it, I will also do it. (v.11)

I believe God is Sovereign over all the circumstances in our lives and I don’t think of Him as being fair or unfair. I think of God as being JUST. And I think that He gets to define what is just and I do not.

Trying to understand the “whys” is futile. Even much time spent thinking about it is an exhausting endeavor. Trusting that our circumstances are planned and purposed from the heart and mind of a good and loving God is the only way to set aside desire for “fair” and our mind churning bewilderment. Life will almost certainly feel like it doesn’t make sense to us. But if our hope is in Truth which tells us that God is God and God is good, then we also have peace knowing He is in control. And, moreover, we have the promise of eternal life.

There are two beautiful, strong women in my life whom have both become widows in the past two weeks. If my words don’t make complete sense, it is because my head is still spinning. I’ve seen incredible pain yet amazing resilience in both of them. Strength that can only come from the one, true Light. Jesus.

And so today I am teaching Justin at an adorable, little desk which was “donated” by a sweet friend to my dining-room-classroom. He is cutting pages apart, making a “book” that is smaller than my hand yet holds the most important truths. I staple a “binding” and together we read, some of the words still indecipherable to Justin’s first grade reading ability, but it’s a story he knows well:

God promised the Savior for sin. God sent Jesus. Jesus died for our sin. Jesus rose again. Jesus is the Savior. Is Jesus your Savior? 

This is grace and peace. All glory to God.

P.S. Though my brain is kind of blurry, enjoying God’s fall season, my fave…