The ups and downs continue. Medication again increased. Another round of steroids. So Justin is tired, angry and keeping me extra busy with food cravings.
This month it’s crab. What! Where do you get crab in the dead of winter? Grocery store seafood counter. And you pay dearly. (I know it’s March but still 27 degrees here in Jersey, to my out-of-state and international friends!)
What’s a cancer mom to do? The next round of crab craving, you try to pass off imitation crab meat. I even sprinkled on Old Bay and warmed it up. Gross. What IS that stuff? He refused to try it. Can’t say I blame him.
We made it through the evening on buttered spaghetti. Without crab.
I’m cabin feverish and, I think, vacuuming too much. Crumbs seem bigger and more stuck to my feet this week.
Daily living in a struggle. Childhood cancer. My child. I’m ever swinging the pendulum of elation to despair and then here we go again.
There is fear. But there is no laying down underneath of it. There is no allowing it to become big and looming. There is no white flag waving or anything resembling surrender.
There is a battle ground. Lines are drawn there. There are trenches and armor and weaponry. There is dust kicked up around a huddled family. The smallest boy and his mother step out first. They are both wounded but undeterred; knowing the One they cannot see guides them along the footsure way, where He has already been.
I called on your name, Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea: “Do not close your ears to my cry for relief.” You came near when I called you, and you said, “Do not fear.” You, Lord, took up my case; you redeemed my life. Lamentations 3:55-58