“Mommy, what does it feel like to die?”

Despite attempts to drown it out by mentally quoting as many scripture verses and song lyrics I could think of, I didn’t sleep much last night because of this haunting question. And when sleep finally came, I was stuck in a place where Justin was lost. I kept looking and looking, but could not find him.

“Um. Well. I don’t know. No one really knows. But I don’t think it matters very much if you are a child of God because He will handle it.”

This answer seemed to satisfy him.

I didn’t ask Justin why he was asking. I know why. He’s brought it up before. Experiencing a life-threatening illness has given him some kind of curiosity or sensitivity or heightened awareness of his own mortality. Something like that.

So I don’t freak out or give false guarantees. I just try to validate his questions by answering them the best I can.

And the dream? Well, experiencing your child going through a life-threatening illness, I think, can definitely mess with the subconscious. I try not to give it too much credit. It’s just a dream. It doesn’t need to be any bigger than that.

Things always seem worse at night. But in the light of a new day, everything seems…better. More manageable. Less scary. Definitely less muddled by fatigue. Clearer. Less complicated.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

The reality is that Justin is feeling sick today, and, in pain as well, but he is here next to me explaining a video game that I totally don’t get. And I am drinking Diet Coke to stay awake and pretending to listen.

We are okay. God is with us.

Thank you for continued support, encouraging comments and prayers. Grace be with you, my friends.