Day 748

1BD751A3-DB0C-4EDB-BB67-4949994D43C3“Mommy, what does it feel like to die?”

Despite attempts to drown it out by mentally quoting as many scripture verses and song lyrics I could think of, I didn’t sleep much last night because of this haunting question. And when sleep finally came, I was stuck in a place where Justin was lost. I kept looking and looking, but could not find him.

“Um. Well. I don’t know. No one really knows. But I don’t think it matters very much if you are a child of God because He will handle it.”

This answer seemed to satisfy him.

I didn’t ask Justin why he was asking. I know why. He’s brought it up before. Experiencing a life-threatening illness has given him some kind of curiosity or sensitivity or heightened awareness of his own mortality. Something like that.

So I don’t freak out or give false guarantees. I just try to validate his questions by answering them the best I can.

And the dream? Well, experiencing your child going through a life-threatening illness, I think, can definitely mess with the subconscious. I try not to give it too much credit. It’s just a dream. It doesn’t need to be any bigger than that.

Things always seem worse at night. But in the light of a new day, everything seems…better. More manageable. Less scary. Definitely less muddled by fatigue. Clearer. Less complicated.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

The reality is that Justin is feeling sick today, and, in pain as well, but he is here next to me explaining a video game that I totally don’t get. And I am drinking Diet Coke to stay awake and pretending to listen.

We are okay. God is with us.

2342FF24-7137-4E53-8DA8-2FD00CC609B8Thank you for continued support, encouraging comments and prayers. Grace be with you, my friends.

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