Justin’s red blood cell count is low but not dangerously so. He won’t need a blood transfusion unless it drops again. He is scheduled for surgery at 8am tomorrow morning. Our oncologist will be injecting chemo into his spine and extracting bone marrow from his hip.

I believe the enemy is very aware of my moments of discouragement and fatigue. He desperately wants God’s children to turn away from Him, and he will strategically attempt to turn despair into defeat.

The enemy should know that although I do get tired and I do have disheartened moments, my faith remains. And it is stronger than before. The presence of Jesus has been constant and the pouring out of the Holy Spirit continuous.

Like Peter when he walked on water, I, too, get distracted by the high waters and my focus on Christ is momentarily fractured. But by His unfailing grace, He gently redirects me to His enduring truth.

35 Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. 36 But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. 37 All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. 38 For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. 39 And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. 40 For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.” John 6:35-39

Today I rest in the all-consuming love of Jesus and my absolute trust in God’s sovereignty. To God be the glory.

Grace be with you, my friends.

I am not who I was twenty-nine days ago. To watch a child suffer, my own son, day after day, has affected me deeply. It is changing me.

To whom or what, I don’t know. Only time can tell. For I am deep in the furrows of an excruciating exchange between pain and joy and life and death.

So I keep walking forward but each step is more agonizing than the last. My feet are heavy and the weight of my heart heavier still.

Relief alludes even in my sleep. Tension punctures the recesses of my subconscious and my mind conjures images too dreadful to tell.

So I am stuck in the median, somewhere between who I was and who I am to be.

What an unbearably terrifying plight this would be if I did not know the hand of God covers my steps, my mind, my grief. He is the author of my story and His hands mold and shape the beginning, the end and the in-between.

My life will soon be gone, blown by like a gust of wind and forgotten. But this soul has reason to hope in the grace of God through His son, Jesus Christ, whom has secured it by His blood to an eternity of everything GOOD. (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Today I look to my promised eternity with Jesus. And that is the only joy that can carry me, heavy feet and burdened heart, through the night and into another day.

Grace be with you, my friends.

Justin has had several nose bleeds over the past twenty-four hours. I just spoke with the on-call oncologist and we will need to take him in to the Voorhees clinic first thing tomorrow morning for a CBC (complete blood count).

If he gets a nose bleed that doesn’t stop after a few minutes, he will be back in the hospital. Hoping and praying all is well with Justin’s blood count as he is due Wednesday for a spinal tap and bone marrow extraction to determine how effective the first month of chemotherapy has been.

Thank you for your faithful support and prayers.

Justin was discharged and we are home again. Thank you for faithful prayers.

The hours at Justin’s bedside drag by painfully and with an acute awareness of breathing dry, sterile air and the bustling sternness sprinkled with forced cheerfulness that defines the staff on the children’s oncology floor. I find myself still praying the Psalms, either reciting, in my mind, verses I’ve memorized or grabbing a quick read here and there.

I’m always enthralled with how the psalmist cried out, complained, spoke words of anger and despair then pointed to his hope in God all in one seeming breath. There are also Psalms that end abruptly, the Psalmist still in anguish and pleading for the presence of the Lord.

And this is all okay with God. For he ordained the Psalms as part of His holy word and referred to the chief psalmist as “a man after his own heart.” (Acts 13:22)

Being the perfect embodiment of a relational being, God just wants us to KEEP talking to Him, no matter what we have to say. I pour out my heart to Him, then borrow the words of the Psalms when my own are exhausted or just feel completely inadequate.

The following are several excerpts from Psalm 139 that I’m recounting from memory (and most assuredly are not word perfect) but help to guide the desires of my heart and prayer on my lips:

“You have searched me Lord and you know me…You hem me in behind and before. You lay your hand on me….Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely, Lord…You knit me together in my mother’s womb…I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…How marvelous are your works…Search me Lord and know my heart…see if there be any offensive way in me and lead me into the way of everlasting.”

Grace be with you, my friends.

The stomach X-ray results were good. Justin’s blood work showed definite dehydration. He’s admitted and on IV fluids. They aren’t letting him eat right now to give his stomach a break. But he’s been crying all morning for food. Truth be told, I gave him a few crackers I found in my purse. Yes, I will admit that when the doctor comes in.

I’m sitting beside Justin’s bed with my Bible open to Psalms, reading and praying through them. That is, in between diaper changes and holding a cup for sips of Gatorade.

Justin is being admitted for dehydration. We will be moving to the oncology floor shortly. We are also waiting on the results of a stomach X-ray. Thank you to those who have already reached out. I know your prayers are with us.

Justin is showing signs of dehydration. We are on our way back to the hospital. Will keep updating his condition. Thank you for your faithful prayers. Please include my other boys as well. Michael was in tears when we left just now.

Justin is struggling with an upset stomach and a sore rash. The only way he can get relief is by sitting in a warm bath. I think I’ve given him at least a dozen baths in the past two days. Justin can’t climb in and out of the tub by himself.

Tonight I am having a lot of back pain from lifting him in and out of the bath tub. Jeff and I are worn out from cleaning and laundering soiled carpet, blankets, sheets and clothes.

Today was the one hundredth day of school and Justin’s kindergarten class had a party. He wanted so much to join in the fun.

We were able to attend the party, but Justin was not feeling well enough to participate. I held back tears as the other kids laughed and played games and Justin only sat with his head down on the table.

Last night, as I was tucking him into bed, I noticed his sad eyes. I asked him what he was thinking about. He said, “I’m thinking about what will happen tomorrow.” With a smile, I reminded him that we were planning to go to his kindergarten party. “No mommy,” he said, “I’m thinking about being sick tomorrow.”

Justin is already beginning to understand that he will not be able to enjoy normal activities like the other kids in his class. Feeling sick is his new normal and he expects it.

I really hate that. I really hate cancer.

I am “hard pressed on every side, but not crushed.”

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 2:7-9

A dear friend came over to pray with me today and another brought a tasty homemade dinner. I also received several encouraging texts and cards. Soon the day will end and my family is safe under His wings and full of lasagna. His grace is enough.

Physical therapy was excruciating. It was physically painful for Justin. And watching him was like salt being dumped on a fresh cut.

Justin struggled significantly to climb one step and rise to a standing position from the floor. This is the same little boy who ran circles around all of us and who’s strength earned him the nickname “Hulk.”

The steroid driven binge eating has caused weight gain and a bloated appearance. Justin suddenly does not look like himself.

Justin is also very moody and often upset or frustrated and understandably so. He used to laugh so easily and give sweet kisses. Now he angrily refuses affection and rarely smiles.

Cancer has taken his physical strength, changed his appearance and saddened his heart. But it has not broken his spirit.

Justin is still fighting everything and everyone. And I view it as a good thing. Even though he is very young and confused and fighting the wrong things, he is still fighting.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.” Ephesians 6:10-18

We are tired and worn and scarred, but we are still standing in the name of the one, true King. Grace be with you, my friends.