I have this recurring dream that I am about to go on stage only to realize I haven’t learned my lines. But I step out anyway, make them up as I go along and somehow it all works out.

I had a pretty intense theatre phase in college.

I wasn’t expecting to parent a child with cancer. I step out in faith each day not really knowing what I’m supposed to say or do.

Justin’s white blood cell count is still crashing, but red cells and platelets are showing signs of improvement. Curious.

We are waiting on another liver toxicity screening. Chemotherapy meds are still on hold, and Justin will have another CBC next Wednesday.

At this point, Justin is neutropenic, highly susceptible to infection and communicable illnesses. We’ll have to keep him home and away from anyone who’s recently been sick.

I am very grateful for the incoming stream of visitors, messages, encouraging comments and dinners that I did not have to cook. Except for being thankful and a moment of good cheer wandering through the Christmas section at Target, I mostly just feel kind of numb. I don’t really know what that means for sure, but I know I am definitely tired.

Recently these verses jumped off the page and got themselves stuck in my brain:

Now while he [Jesus] was in Jerusalem at the Passover Festival, many people saw the signs he was performing and believed in his name. But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people. He did not need any testimony about mankind, for he knew what was in each person. John 2:23-25

Self-talk can be a really good thing. Today I have to keep telling myself…you are known by Jesus. You are known. You are KNOWN.

I don’t have to know why this is happening. I don’t need to always get this cancer mom thing right. There is no script to follow.

I’m just holding onto faith. That’s it. I’m stepping out there, moving through the day and holding onto faith. Grace be with you, my friends.