Justin is losing his hair.

My neice and I just took a walk down the beach collecting seashells. I noticed how she passed over the broken pieces and only picked up whole shells.

I pointed out all the beautiful pieces she was passing over. I explained that she could use them to make an awesome mosaic or a cool picture frame with just some glue and a little imagination.

She enthusiastically began to pick them up until she had a gallon size ziploc bag full of broken shell pieces. With a triumphant smile she said,

“Just cause they’re broken doesn’t mean they’re not beautiful.”

Atta girl. Grace be with you, my friends.

For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:5-11 (emphasis mine)

In this excerpt of a letter to the Corinthians, Paul explains that he has suffered personally for the purpose of being a testament of God’s grace as well as forcing him to rely on God and not himself. Now I don’t know, firsthand, Paul’s kind of suffering. I’ve never been beaten, jailed or shipwrecked.

But I “get” what Paul is saying here. For me, “great pressure, far beyond our [my] ability to endure” is my youngest son having cancer.

I also draw incredible strength from these words. Knowing that there is purpose to our suffering if we are children of God, that it is not just random happenstance, gives me the ability to endure one more day. One more hour. And, yes, relying on God. Indeed, falling on Him. Falling on His words of truth with absolute, undivided trust truly brings peace to my troubled soul. And what I mean by “undivided” is that I’m not trusting “partly on God, but mostly on myself.” Which I tend to do like every other day. I mean when I’m fully surrendered to God’s word, my trust is pure.

We are “on vacation” in Ocean City this week. However, Justin is mostly lying sick and miserable on the couch and I am struggling with pain and weakness (why are there so many stairs in beach houses?!) I have thought about Justin playing happily in the sand and waves last summer. So much has drastically changed for him this past year. But there is no point in dwelling on what has already been. Instead, I am relying on God to help me to keep stepping forward.

Still, we have had moments of joy, this week, like sunlight temporarily breaking through a grey sky. And we will continue to persevere in faith toward Justin’s ultimate healing and our family’s deliverance from this trial.

Thank you for your faithful prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 

May you know the grace of our Lord amid your own suffering, my friends. He will deliver us again. 

My friends, if you happen to be in the area, the Pierantozzi family will be pouring at CHOP oncology clinic 1012 Laurel Oak Rd. Voorhees from 11am – 12pm. Come on by or donate a few bucks in Justin’s honor at

https://www.alexslemonade.org/mypage/1222132

This picture was taken yesterday, twenty-four hours after chemotherapy. Justin has spent too many of the past 142 days of treatment being ill. He’s had to miss many days of school, sports activities, and birthday parties. He has spent far too many days feeling tired, sick and anxious. Let’s support funding research for IMPROVED TREATMENTS and CURES for ALL types of childhood cancer!

Thank you for continued support and prayer! Grace be with you, my friends.

Psalm 27

GCCS Kindergarten Graduation 2016

Justin pretty much wanted nothing to do with Kindergarten graduation. And I was okay with that. I told him that we were at least attending because I wouldn’t tolerate giving up and staying home in defeat, but that he could sit on my lap in sweatpants if necessary. And I wouldn’t be one bit less proud.

However, about an hour before the ceremony, something shifted dramatically in Justin’s attitude. He put on that cap and gown with gusto and marched onto the stage without missing a beat. Watching him, you would have thought:

What cancer? What anxiety?

The only explanation I have is that God decided it was GOOD for Justin to participate and, consequently, moved His sustaining hand over Justin’s heart, mind and body. I encouraged and gently pushed, but there was no forcing or bribing on my part. I think many hearts were touched last night, witnessing a little boy persevere against tremendous obstacles. We give God all the glory for granting us faith and determination. And for giving us hearts that hold on.

Day 140. Justin received chemo this morning and will continue aggressive treatment throughout the summer. Please continue to journey with us in prayer as we step forward by grace alone.

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58 

Grace be with you, my friends.

Justin continues to experience anxiety over participating in activities he used to enjoy very much. He is particularly anxious over joining his class for the Kindergarten graduation ceremony this coming Monday. He is afraid of being away from me, afraid of people looking at him, afraid that he will vomit or just won’t feel well.

Today he said, “Mommy, it doesn’t really matter if I go to graduation.”

And in the big picture, the grand scheme of things, he is right. He has completed the necessary academic requirements, and will move on to first grade whether he wears a cap and gown or not. So why am I pushing him to go to rehearsals and participate Monday night? Well, the same reason I have pushed him to attend school and perform in The Little Engine That Could and play as a guest on Michael’s baseball team.

Because I don’t give up. And I am trying to teach our boys the same. And cancer does not get to tell us that we should just sit around and be defeated by anxiety and pain and discomfort.

I don’t give up because I believe that our perseverance through suffering glorifies God. I am able to persist because of His grace and the hope that God will use the testament of my perseverance to draw people to Him. After all, it is only by His grace that I am able to step forward, despite several obstacles. Without His grace, my current trials would turn me into a crazy person running from one thing to another, searching in vain for peace. (Trust me, I know this about myself) So I must conclude that God allows suffering because His grace is magnified!

And why would I want to do that? Magnify His grace? Glorify Him and not myself? Because God offers ETERNAL LIFE through His Son Jesus Christ! My heart desperately desires for my friends to know that and believe that and become His own.

There is nothing else in this world that can offer such incredible hope. If you live for work, people, money, or whatever, those things will eventually disappoint or pass away. God is everlasting and the hope through His son Jesus Christ is eternal. Romans 4:18-25, 5:1-5:

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God,  being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. This is why “it was credited to him as righteousness.” The words “it was credited to him” were written not for him alone, but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.

We Rise

Despite feeling lousy most of the day, Justin pushed his bruised spine and tired body, rising to the challenge when his biggest wish was finally granted. Michael’s baseball coach invited Justin to join the team for last night’s game. Justin was able to play the entire game and did not strike out once. My heart soared over every smile and high-five. This was twenty-four hours after a spinal tap and chemotherapy. Over water ice, our family rejoiced in this victory together.

We Fall

Twelve hours later, Justin was slumped in my arms at clinic. Tired, moody and receiving more chemotherapy, he was comforted by me staying close even though I found it difficult to muster a smile.

Why wouldn’t I still be floating on cloud nine only hours after answered prayer and Justin’s triumph over physical limitations? Because I have quickly learned that every time we take one step forward, we take two steps back. Because this journey is bigger than momentary joy over school plays and baseball games. This is about fighting for my son’s life and battling an enemy who desperately wants to wear me down until my faith is tattered and frail and unable to stand up against fierce currents.

And this is why I keep writing. To proclaim that my faith stands. Yes, I am weary and changed and battle-scarred and often discouraged and addicted to junk food and probably a little more serious than before. But my feet are firmly planted on the rock whom is Jesus, and in each step God grants and directs by His grace. I will not be moved. And this is NOT my own will or doing. My unbending faith is a gift from God and what an amazing gift! (Ephesians 2:8-9)

The rising and falling of this journey is exhausting. Especially when both happen in the span of five minutes. We rise and we fall, but God remains faithfully the same. (Hebrews 13:8)

I will continue to “press on toward the goal” even if I have to crawl to get there. One thing this journey affords, that I am letting go more and more of this world and truly beginning to understand and claim these words as my own: (Philippians 3:7-14)

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ. 

I dedicate this post to my warrior friends, Drew Franklin and his wife, Melissa, whose testimony of faith in God’s sovereign plan has been both amazing and humbling. I’m asking you, my readers, to call out in prayer tonight on Drew’s behalf. The next forty-eight hours is a critical time in his battle with cancer. Drew and Melissa, press on in the grace of our Lord as you have already so faithfully and beautifully done. I love you both.

Grace be with you, my friends.

Justin is not responding well to a new drug given yesterday and restarting a very high dosage of steroids. He will go back to clinic tomorrow for more chemo. Another new medication.

I don’t know if what I’m writing is making any sense at the moment. Because Justin is sick and miserable on the couch. And I’m hiding in the kitchen so he won’t see me cry. And I just want to scream:

WHY CAN’T IT BE ME???

But the lump in my throat hurts too much.

Just why can’t it be me?

It all hurts too much.

I hate cancer. It’s from the pit of hell.

“Call unto me and I will show you great and mighty things which thou knowest not.” (Jeremiah 33:3) Think I got that mostly right. Show me, Lord. Show me mighty things. God is faithful. I wait.

Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear. And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me; therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy. I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord. (excerpts from Psalm 27)

I already feel the “peace that passes understanding.” Grace be with you, my friends.

We were able to have joyful respite together at Storybook Land this past week. It was really nice to spend time with Justin having fun instead of watching the chemo drip. Today begins a new cycle of chemotherapy, starting with a spinal tap.

I’m sitting with Justin at clinic waiting for chemo. A new boy came in today. He looks to be around 16 or 17. I hear him conversing with another seasoned cancer patient whom is about the same age. They are talking about their diagnosis, treatment and exchanging phone numbers for support. I can’t stop crying.

Last night, Justin and I talked about his impending trip to clinic. Justin said, “I can’t wait to go to heaven where there is no pain.” Just not too soon, baby. Not too soon.

His anxiety seemed to dissipate as I held him close and read one of my favorite passages of scripture. Isaiah 40:25-26:

“To whom will you compare me?
    Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
 Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
    Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
    and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
    not one of them is missing.

I told Justin that if God cannot lose a single star among billions, how much more will He never lose one of His own children? We talked about how amazing it is that God has named all the stars. Justin asked if I thought God named a star after him.

“Yes I do, baby. Yes, I think there is a star for you.”

Grace be with you, my friends.

Drawing strength from the Spirit, we press on. By the power of God, we look on disease with defiance, refusing to succumb. Justin’s opponent, cancer. Mine, an unfortunate muscle-wasting genetic inheritance.

Days melt into weeks and exhaustion rolls in and out like the tides. But we are not swept away by strong currents, keeping our eyes fixed on Truth, our hearts stayed on the one whom is Lord of gladness and grief, famine and feast.