“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” Romans 8:37
Justin is now fast asleep on the couch. But, 90 minutes ago, by grace alone, he experienced a moment of victory over his anxiety and his disease.
Thank you for lifting Justin’s name to the One whom is able to do “exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think…” (Eph.3:20)
Grace be with you, my friends.
Justin was able to overcome his fear to participate in the dress rehearsal today! He did an amazing job saying his lines and singing with his class. I know this is the work of the Holy Spirit as we are praying for God’s healing hand to rest on Justin’s anxious heart.
And, yes, I believe God cares about even the little things like a Kindergarten play. Please pray with us that Justin will be able to perform on Thursday for a big audience of parents and students. Now that he made it through the rehearsal, he is very excited. And suddenly it’s a big deal to him. I think this sense of accomplishment has really boosted his confidence and further success may serve to appease some of his worry and fear.
My friends, you are welcome to come and support Justin, Thursday at 2pm, in the auditorium at Gloucester County Christian School. May God get all the glory as we endure each dimension of this trial by the power of His grace!
Justin and I are off to dress rehearsal for the Kindergarten play, The Little Engine that Could. He has a small part and he’s been enthusiastic about practicing at home and in the classroom. But he refused to go on stage for rehearsal last week. I am hoping he will do so today and for the performance (Thursday), but in light of my awareness of his recent signs of anxiety, I’m not going to push him. (well maybe just a little)
Yesterday afternoon we watched a Veggie Tales episode about worry and being afraid. The theme was “God is bigger” than anything we might fear. Justin and I had a great little conversation as well and now we are saying, “God is bigger than cancer!” And “Cancer isn’t going to hold me back!”
After dress rehearsal, we are going straight to the clinic for chemo. Thank you for your support, encouraging comments and prayers.
Psalm 27. Grace be with you, my friends.
Jeff, Kirt, Brian and Rob took on the clippers Saturday for Team Justin. Together we raised $3,000 for childhood cancer research! Thank you so much for your support and generous donations. Our hope and prayer is that someday there will be treatment for all types of childhood cancer as well as better treatments with less difficult side effects.
We saw Justin’s oncologist this morning and spoke at length about his apparent anxiety I have noticed. His doctor confirmed that he is indeed showing signs and symptoms of stress and social anxiety such as increased heart rate, refusal to speak to others and reluctance to be away from me. Justin’s doctor wants us to meet with the clinic’s child psychologist to discuss strategies to help Justin work through his feelings. It is not uncommon for children with a traumatic medical diagnosis to experience these symptoms.
Please pray along with us that Justin’s heart will be touched with a calmness and peace. And for wisdom handling this new layer of an already very difficult journey.
“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.” Isaiah 26:3
Grace be with you, my friends.
I am tired. Really tired. Like that “my head feels disconnected from my body” kind of tired.
Meeting all of Justin’s needs everyday and trying to make sure I also spend time with my other boys as well as accomplishing daily household responsibilities while dealing with my own physical limitations is…well…exhausting. Even that sentence was a draining run on.
Where can we turn when this kind of soul-bending, bone-aching fatigue begins to set in? A nap? A vacation? A friend’s sympathy? Those are all good things. But they are temporary. Eventually you have to get up, go home, or relinquish the listening ear.
What can we do when our joy is being threatened by the often harsh and painful realities of daily life? Anything I can think of that is of this world is momentary and fleeting.
Admittedly, there are times I turn to mere distractions instead of truth. A good movie. A big bowl of ice cream. And sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I mistake these “happy” distractions for real joy. But then the movie is over and the ice cream is gone. And I’m left feeling joyless, unfulfilled and…bloated. That may sound funny or ridiculous, but think about it. Can you relate on some level?
We were created for relationship with God and when that suffers because of pressing schedules, preoccupation with other things or just plain sin, we simply cannot have true joy. Sometimes I just get caught up in all the pressing details of the mundane. Indeed, lost in it. Like I don’t know what day it is, I’m dipping potato chips in an old can of Betty Crocker frosting for lunch and my keys have been lost for days. And while I may have read a few Bible verses here and there, I haven’t spent real time with the Lord.
How grateful I am that God doesn’t let me stay that way. He gently pushes into my heart until it cries:
“My heart says of you, ‘Seek His face’!”
Psalm 27. Of David.
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked advance against me to devour me, it is my enemies and my foes who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4 One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me; at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.
7 Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, spouting malicious accusations.
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
“Your face, Lord, I will seek.”
As I seek the Lord and wait for Him, allowing words of truth to fill my mind and heart, joy takes hold of my spirit once again. My problems are still here. I am still tired. But my soul rests in hope that can only come from knowing Jesus and “dwelling in His house all the days of my life.”
What a friend we have in Jesus! Grace be with you, my friends.
We prayed together in the car on the way here, asking Jesus to give Justin an extra portion of strength and courage today. However, it is difficult to focus too much on ourselves. Being Good Friday, I’m in continuous remembrance of what Jesus did on the cross for us. Not that we don’t remember everyday, but it is particulary on my heart during Holy Week.
Jesus was willing to be punished, abused, shamed and rejected so that I am always pardoned, justified, unashamed and accepted as a child of the Most High. More thoughts on this to come…
Grace be with you, my friends.
I took these pictures of Justin at school today. It was so wonderful to see him getting to be a “normal” kid! Especially because tomorrow we are headed back to clinic to begin Justin’s third cycle of chemotherapy. During this time, Justin will go to clinic for IV chemo every ten days for a total fifty days. On day fifty-one of the third cycle, he will have another lumbar puncture with spinal chemotherapy.
Michael came home from school yesterday with a high fever. He doesn’t have any other symptoms so we are assuming, for now, that he caught the virus going around. For Michael or the rest of us, this isn’t a big deal. But a high fever could potentially send Justin to the hospital. For him, a fever can be life threatening. We are hoping and praying for his protection. However, if Justin contracts the virus, I am confident that God’s healing hand will continue to rest on him. Psalm 62:5-8:
Rest in God alone, my soul,
for my hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I will not be shaken.
My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock.
My refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts before Him.
God is our refuge. Selah
I bought organic kale because I read that it is “a cancer-fighting-super-food” and watched a YouTube video on how to cook it. So that’s what will be on our dinner table tonight. Not that Justin will want to touch it. But it makes me feel better to try. Oh and I had Dr. Pepper earlier today so hopefully I won’t go into shock.
Grace be with you, my friends.
I am delighted to share that Justin has been attending school all week! We started out slow, staying for 30 minutes or so, then worked our way up to three hours yesterday and today!
I’ve been able to stay in the classroom with Justin. We are so very grateful for our school’s ample support (Gloucester County Christian) and a wonderful teacher who doesn’t mind a parent tagging along with her kindergarten class. Justin requires the one on one support as he is still in need of assistance on stairs, frequent breaks and emotional reassurance when he becomes anxious. But can I tell you how much I’ve been enjoying being a “kindergarten student?” What fun and what a blessing that I get to be the one to walk alongside Justin as we softly step back into normalcy.
And I really burst with joy as I watch Justin learn phonics, play with his friends, and just get to be a “typical” kid again! God is faithfully restoring Justin both physically and emotionally. I know that structure and socialization are both essential to his growth and well-being, so I began prompting Justin to ease back into activities and routine a little at a time. And he has already progressed beautifully just this week! God is also granting me wisdom to be able to discern when to push Justin and when he needs to rest.
As I write at my kitchen table, I can see the Thundercloud Plum trees (yes I had to look up the name) just beginning to bloom in my backyard. These ornamental trees display a hearty, rich shade of violet-red leaves all summer. But, now, during the first hints of Spring, the tender buds are just beginning to show themselves, blooming softly and arrayed in a soft pink. And though the blossoms give the tree a delicate appearance, there are strong, sturdy leaves forming and waiting for their appointed time.
I look forward to Justin being fully restored as he was before he was touched by cancer. But, instead of being disheartened or frustrated by regression, I am choosing to appreciate the growth process and enjoy the journey as he blooms once again. I delight in watching him rediscover skills and abilities that cause him to smile with joy as if it was the first time.
So we will continue to move forward, stepping softly, hemmed in by God’s grace. We invite you to stay on this journey with us and share in the blessings. Grace be with you, my friends.
“Overwhelmed”
I see the work of Your Hands
Galaxies spin in a Heavenly dance oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming
I hear the sound of Your Voice
All at once it’s a gentle and thundering noise oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming
I delight myself in You
Captivated by Your beauty
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You
God, I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You
I know the power of Your Cross
Forgiven and free forever You’ll be my God
All that You’ve done is so overwhelming
I delight myself in You
In the Glory of Your Presence
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You
God, I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You
You are Beautiful, You are Beautiful
Oh God, there is no one more Beautiful
You are Beautiful, God you are the most Beautiful
You are Wonderful, You are Wonderful
Oh God, there is no one more Wonderful
You are Wonderful, God You are the most Wonderful
You are Glorious, You are Glorious
Oh God, there is no one more Glorious
You are Glorious, God you are the most Glorious
Justin attended school Friday and today for a short time each day. We are trying to ease back into normalcy. The socialization and structure are both really good for him. Our goal is to go to school for a short time every day this week. We have also been working hard at home and Justin is almost caught up!
Focusing on academics with Justin unfortunately reminds me of a potential negative side effect of chemotherapy. The medication that is being injected into his spine is to prevent remaining leukemia cells from spreading to his brain and nervous system. However, this medication can also cause memory loss and learning disabilities.
I’m not one to quote a lot of statistics because, first of all, I don’t often read them to avoid unnecessary anxiety and, secondly, God is able to operate outside our human capabilities. But our oncologist is required to relay all the possible side effects. ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukemia) patients are at a 20% risk of experiencing cognitive difficulties as a result of chemotherapy.
And you want to know something crazy? I’m not in the least bit worried. My son was given a second chance at life and I’m going to worry about how fast he reads? No way. Whatever comes, God will give us the grace to handle it. Anyway, I’m more concerned with Justin getting to know Jesus than being top of his class.
Justin continues to regain his physical strength, but still becomes easily fatigued. We will resume IV chemotherapy next week. We’re enjoying some time off this week and focusing on Justin getting to be a “normal” little boy.
And, to us, some plain old ordinary moments seem rather extraordinary.
“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.” Habbakuk 3:17-19
Justin jumped on the trampoline our boys got for Christmas for the first time yesterday! Fifty-four days ago, Justin could not walk or even bear weight on his feet.
“The Lord upholds all who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.” Psalm 145:14
All Glory to God!!!
grace steps 